Disappointment: Van Halen III

Poor Gary Cherone. He had massive shoes to fill as the vocalist of Van Halen. Before him you had David Lee Roth, who was not a good singer in all honesty, but his style was extremely charming and it fit perfectly with the music, and Sammy Hagar who is a straight up great singer and knew how to bring fun to his songs. Gary mimics Hagar’s style well, and at times sounds pretty close to him, but he’s missing that special something Hagar had. I don’t think his vocals are as bad as everyone says, at least when he’s trying to sound like Sammy which he does most of the time. However, when he does anything else it’s a failure. He can sound so washed up, with tracks like Josephina and One I Want being prime examples.

This is their longest release at 65 minutes, and the songs are long for Van Halen standards. They are not known for long songs or albums, and the shortest song (excluding interludes and intros) is longer than almost every song released from their debut to OU812. Van Halen is at its peak when it keeps things short and sweet. Hagar was able to make longer song lengths work.

This album continues with the style they had when Hagar was there, sans synths. If you weren’t a fan of the Van Hagar era there’s no chance you would enjoy this. Something feels very off though. Something is lacking when it comes to the guitar work. It’s undeniably Eddie playing but it’s missing spice. That’s how I feel about this whole album, it’s like a plate of chicken breast and peas. Not a single memorable riff or melody on the entire album. Eddie seems like he’s just noodling half the time.

The album cover is fucking hilarious. It encapsulates perfectly what Van Halen fans felt when they heard this album.

A song-by-song breakdown would be pointless, but there are a couple things worth mentioning. The intro to this album is mind-boggling. It’s so fucking out of place and does not set any expectations for what the music sounds like. I can’t imagine what they were thinking with that. Once sounds like a Genesis B-side. Eddie pulls out some tasty licks, but we don’t get enough of them. I can see the potential with this one. Year to the Day has a nice build-up to the guitar solos. If it was 2 minutes shorter and had Hagar it could be a good song. It ends with How Many Say I which is just flat-out terrible.

This album is in a state of purgatory. It is neither bad nor good. I can say with 100% certainty, it is a disappointment. It is not a fun album, and Van Halen is supposed to be a fun band.

Changing vocalists is a dramatic change for most bands, and a lot of times it can break a band. It can also bring a new direction, but they tried to play it safe and failed miserably. I was disappointed when I listened to this album for the first time over 10 years ago, and I’m still disappointed today.

Check out (or don’t) Van Halen III on Spotify:
https://open.spotify.com/album/2wqTlagAdAEh89tMuToml0?si=VRFttUhUQ_WxTNKWVZX-Iw

Is it really that bad? risk- megadeth

It’s not uncommon for a band to change their sound to be more accessible with the goal of commercial success. In metal, Metallica is the best example of this. They were already huge, but The Black Album brought them to the next level, and even when they would put out garbage after this it would still sell like hotcakes. Despite moving away from their thrash roots that drew fans in the first place, they still managed to make an album that was undoubtedly Metallica.

Risk exists in a similar vein; the songs are more accessible. Well, as accessible as Dave Mustaine’s voice can be. This is a regular heavy metal album with a lot of hard rock influences. It barely hangs on to the metal label though, and many moments during this album made me question if it even was metal. There aren’t many thrashy moments at all, even in the solos. Thrash doesn’t necessarily have to be fast; the aggression is the more crucial part, which this album lacks. The production is clean, a bit too clean. It feels sterile. I can’t think of any standout moments when it comes to the instruments. There’s no crazy riffs, solos, basslines, or drumming.

While I usually prefer Metallica’s work, Megadeth was able to pull off the transition from metal to infinitely better than them. They knew when to end their songs instead of dragging them out for an extra verse and chorus, and they experiment with the rock sound much more than them. Let’s go over the songs.

Insomnia: Starts with a cool middle eastern sounding riff. Violins kick in and mirror the guitar which is a nice touch. The chorus is fucking weird, not sure what Dave was going for there.

Prince of Darkness: This is the most boring and forgettable Megadeth song I’ve heard. I really have nothing to say about it. My brain barely recognizes it as music.

Enter The Arena: I don’t have issues with having an intro as a separate for a song. Sometimes it’s a necessary compromise between artistic expression and what the listener wants. However, this song has no purpose. All that build up for nothing, it just ends abruptly without leading into the next song nor being a continuation of the last song. What the fuck Dave?

Crush ‘Em: I’ve listened to this song over a dozen times and I can’t think of anything to talk about. You know how your brain will filter out white noise? That’s what happens when you listen to this song.

Seven: It’s got a hard rock vibe, a bit bluesy, and a nice swing to it. I can picture this playing in the bar scene in the SpongeBob movie.

Ecstasy: This could easily pass as a Ghost song. The overall feel of the song is similar to Ghost’s usual work, besides Mustaine’s voice of course. The vibrato effect on the guitar gives it a bit of a spooky quality. I’m not sure if it’s a synth or a guitar, but there’s a background instrument that sounds like an organ which lends to the spooky atmosphere. Interesting song, not bad.

Wanderlust: The opening riff reminds me of a bayou. The slight distortion effect on the banjo is cool, it’s just enough to distort the sound but you can also hear the underlying clean tone. The chorus doesn’t hit very hard, it feels more like a pre-chorus. Now the bridge, that hits hard. They pick up the pace and we get a rock-and-roll-esque bassline. The solo’s not very interesting, it’s just fast. Decent song.

Breadline: An attempt at a hit rock song. Not bad but any Megadeth fan hearing this for the first time when it was released as a single would blow their brains out. Sounds much more like something Bon Jovi would release than one of the biggest metal bands. Take it for what it is and it can be enjoyable.

The Doctor Is Calling: First four notes fooled me into thinking it was going to be One by Metallica. The “nah nah nah” during the solo is fuckin annoying. Definitely not as annoying as the “nah nah nah” in Metallica’s The Memory Remains. God damn that one is awful. Very forgettable song.

I’ll Be There: Another Bon Jovi-esque song. Not because he has a song with a very similar title, but it has the jangly guitars, the wooooOOOOOOOOoooooaaah, and buildup of Bon Jovi song. Not bad but I wouldn’t choose to listen to it.

This is not a terrible album, but it doesn’t have anything special about it. It’s not even a good gateway album to heavier music. Dave commented that if it was under a different band’s name, it would have done much better. I disagree with this. Nu-Metal was by far the biggest thing in the heavy music sphere at the time. You had Slipknot’s debut, Issues by Korn, and Significant Other by Limp Bizkit in the same year. In the years before and after you had even bigger hits from bands like the ones mentioned and others such as Linkin Park, Disturbed, System of a Down, and more. There was no competing with that. Rock had to compete with r&b, pop punk, rap, hip hop, and pop for radio play. It was far from its peak at that time and expecting a hard-rock influenced metal album to sell like his previous work shows he was unaware of the musical landscape at the time.

Bad album: LuLu - Metallica

Lulu is debatably the most infamous Metallica album. The only competition it has is St. Anger, and that’s because many people don’t even consider this a Metallica album. This is nothing but pure cope, every single song is credited to Lou and every member in Metallica. What’s the point of denying it anyways? It’s not like this came after a bunch of hit records, there was Death Magnetic before which was okay, but they had their awful run of Load, Reload, and St. Anger just before.

The album is an astounding 1 hour and 27 minutes, their longest yet (out of their main studio albums, I’m not counting Garage Inc.). The production is very good on this album. You can hear all the instruments, but the bass guitar could use just a slight boost. Nothing is overpowered, except when Lou screeches. The acoustic parts are especially crisp. James puts passion into his lines (SMALL TOWN GUUUUURRRL). I was almost convinced that he is, indeed, the table. Unfortunately, we don’t get much of him on the album. He’s mostly delegated to backing vocals. Then there’s Lou, he is the main problem with the album. His singing is garbage, it’s barely even singing, it’s more like rambling. The singing isn’t the only part of the issue, I’m not entirely sure what contributions each side made, except for the obvious folk and metal parts, which would come more from Lou and Metallica, respectively. Metallica has made plenty of long songs, but not to this extreme. I’m convinced it was Lou trying to make them more “artistic” with long poses of either nothing or the same riff over and over. There are parts that are really well executed, and the mix of folk and metal is great. I will expand on everything mentioned in the song-by-song breakdown. I’m not a fan of the cover. It’s something a rich satanic pedophile would have framed in their wall. Makes me feel uneasy. As if what the artist did to the mannequin he did to a real human.

Anyways. Let’s go over each song.

Brandenburg Gate: “I would cut my legs and tits off, When I think of Boris Karloff and Kinski” What a great start to an album. I really would’ve loved to see a Metallica fan’s reaction upon hearing this for the first time. Must have been similar to when Kanye hit ‘em with that “poopity scoop”, pure gold. The guitar work isn’t anything special but there’s something pleasant about it. James screaming “SMALL TOWN GUUUUUUUURRRRRL” every 4 bars is hilarious. It also distracts from Lou’s rambling so that’s a nice bonus. It’s the shortest song on the album at 4:19. Metallica is no stranger to long songs but they really kick it up a notch on this album, especially in the later half. It’s an enjoyable song if you can get past the fact that it’s Metallica.

The View: This was released as the sole single from the album. The dread fans must have felt when THIS was their choice. Normally singles represent the best an album has to offer and give an idea of the tone and mood. Sadly, it is one of the better songs on the album, and it did contain the infamous “I AM THE TABLE” lyric which became a meme among fans. The riffs are okay. Lou’s vocals.

Pumping Blood: Very frustrating. It starts off very nicely with some violins. Reminiscent of a foggy Skyrim morning. Then we get some rambling from Lou for a few minutes. Electric guitars kick in with a standard Rocktallica riff. We get some trashy riffing at the end but it doesn’t last long. JACK I BESEECH YOU! JACK I BESEECH YOU! OOOOHHH JACK I BESEECH YOU! OOOHH

Mistress Dread: The synth playing throughout the song reminds me of the THX sound, except it never builds up to anything worthwhile. The guitar is playing quite fast. I can imagine this being a good endurance test for a guitarists’ picking hand. Too bad it’s wasted on this lame song. It’s the same riff for most of the song with Lou doing his usual thing. This song makes me feel nothing.

Iced Honey: It’s kind of good. It’s one of those riffs that can repeat throughout a whole song and not get boring. It’s got a nice swing to it. When they make a riff that can do well on a long song, they decide to cut it short. Too bad they didn’t do it with the other songs. Lou’s vocals.

Cheat on Me: This song really makes me wish they just did an instrumental folk-metal album. This and Junior Dad give a glimpse into what it could’ve been and I’m all for it. Haunting violins with distorted guitars is a combo I love. Bands like Panopticon, Exulansis, and Primeval Well are great examples of this. 11 minutes is too much for this song, but it’s not overbearing. There was some potential but it needed more to build up at the end. It got stuck at the same intensity for too long. Make it 9 minutes, get rid of Lou and his rambling prose, have more intensity at the end and you could have a really great song.

Frustration: Starts off with literal nails on a chalkboard. Then some weird mumbling that sounds fucking hilarious. The chugging riff is decent, but it gets interrupted by Lou and we have to deal with him and the chalkboard. We get a miracle at the end and it starts to sound like Metallica. Far from the best riff they’ve written but it’s a pleasant surprise after everything else we’ve had to deal with. This moment is all too fleeting.

Dragon: The main riff sounds like it comes from an unused song from the Black album. The “solo” in the middle of the song makes Kerry King look like Joe Satriani. It sounds like a bunch of Pikmin noises. The energy picks up near the end and the song shows some potential, it could’ve been a pretty good song if they stuck with that energy and booted Lou. This song has no reason to be 11 minutes. Lou’s vocals.

Little Dog: The worst song on the album. It’s boring, the same acoustic guitar chugging along with some sustained notes coming from the electric guitar. It stays at the same slogging pace. Eventually we’re greeted with something different. We get a bass “solo” a bit over half-way through, and it sucks. Cliff Burton’s corpse could come up with something better. It’s just a chore to listen to. The lyrics are weird and depressing. From what others have said it’s about an old man trying to cope with not being sexually attractive anymore. It’s a sad thought to think about because (almost) everyone deserves to feel loved and good about themselves. Let’s move on.

Junior Dad: Very promising start, until Lou starts singing of course. Luckily he tones down the yelling on this track so it’s tolerable. Instrumentally it’s really nice, it brings visions of Scotland on a foggy morning. Haunting and beautiful. The humming fits in surprisingly well. Definitely the best vocal performance by Lou on the album. I really enjoy this song, but it does overstay its welcome. It would’ve been perfect if it ended around 13 minutes, but the next 6 after that are still enjoyable. Easily the best song on the album. Lou’s vocals.

It can be very difficult to judge an album in a vacuum, especially if you’re already a fan of the band. Prior expectations have been set, and even if the album is good in its own right, the name it’s attached to plays a big part in reception.  Some other great examples of this are Illud Divinum Insanus by Morbid Angel, Cold Lake by Celtic Frost, and Risk by Megadeth. They’re not necessarily bad albums, but the fact they came from the bands they did is what really gave them their reputation. Context is extremely important in understanding why some albums are hated. However, even if it wasn’t attached to Metallica, this album still sucks. It’s an auditory marathon, it is long and tedious with very little substance, but every once in a while, we’re given something kind of neat along the way.

Check out Lulu on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/album/3FgLMfp5o2h2rAny7S6h57?si=KXG0bXb1TfenUvKy5Dv3hw

Bad Song: Born For Greatness - Papa Roach

I fucking hate this song. It makes me cringe, it makes me wince, it gives me goosebumps from how despicable it is. The best one-word description for this song is lame. Everything about it is lame.

This song is a combination of Imagine Dragons and Home Depot music. One is commercial music, figuratively, the other is commercial music, literally. Born for Greatness exists in the same vein as them. It’s inoffensive music meant for the average troglodyte consumer. As in a consumer that is a troglodyte, not someone that consumes troglodytes.

The production is par for the course, nothing to really comment on there. They had to include clapping, a staple of music pretending to be badass. There’s quite a lot going on. Lots of instruments and effects layered over each other, different vocal effects are used. What’s impressive is that it still feels empty. The beat drop is *chef’s kiss* It is easily one of the worst I’ve heard, and it makes my skin crawl. It tries way too fucking hard. The deepening of the voice just before the bass drop is the cherry on top. I bet he thought it was so fucking cool when he played it back in the studio.

I haven’t listened to much of their other music, only the album Infest which is pretty good. The contrast in lyrics from any song on that album to Born for Greatness is shocking. The lead singer, Jacoby Shaddix, convinced you of the pain he was singing about. Here, he just phoned it in. Instead of sounding convincing he sounds like he huffed some Grade-A copium. I was never good at dissecting the meaning behind lyrics, but I have a feeling it’s all just bullshit in this case.

Despite trying to be an uplifting song it makes me want to commit suicide, much more so than their other songs that talk about depression and suicide. I haven’t listened to the other songs on the album (Crooked Teeth) because why would I, so I can’t judge it in the context of the album. It doesn’t matter, the song is shit and the album is probably shit too, but not shit enough to warrant listening to or creating a post about.

This song is a roach that deserves to be squashed. It is one of the worst rock/pop/home depot songs I’ve heard.

Check out (or don’t) the song on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/2T3w7ohdeZNs7noXuIlHrr?si=f7bb4dc3c8cc44db

Bad Band: The Shaggs

To start off this website, I’ll be talking about a classic bad band, The Shaggs. It consisted of three sisters: Betty Wiggin, Helen Wiggin, and Rachel Wiggin. They are notorious for releasing what is considered one of the worst albums of all time, The Philosophy of the World.

What makes this band special is the combination of a lack of talent, lack of passion, and grandiose delusions. The sisters were under no illusion that they had any talent at all; it was their father who pushed them to become “musicians.” It’s rare to come across a case like this, as a band is either lacking passion and will give up, or they have enough self-awareness to see they lack talent and skill, or they will be delusional and push through despite a lack of talent.

Looking further into the origin story of their band was quite heartbreaking. It’s an all-too-common story of a parent forcing their dreams on their kids and being way too controlling over their lives. There might even be enough material to start a Shaggs Cinematic Universe.

Being forced to create music while having no passion for it is a recipe for disaster, and a disaster is exactly what escaped from the studio in 1968. One of the fundamentals of music is rhythm. This band lacks rhythm. Another fundamental is harmony. This band lacks harmony.

The drums will often slow down suddenly, then rise back up to the “correct” tempo. It’s not like they do it in a cool way, like Car Bomb does; it’s just them fuckin up. Polyrhythmic music is common nowadays, especially in progressive metal and rock, with Meshuggah being a popular example. The problem is, Meshuggah writes music based around this and understands music theory. The Shaggs understand nothing. The guitar and vocals are at least mostly in tempo with each other, but that’s most likely due to the lack of hand independence. Their brains cannot separate the rhythm of their singing from their strumming. Funny how a lack of skill in this instance helps them.

Top: Normal 6-string guitar tuning

Bottom: Whatever the fuck The Shaggs had

Photo by Markus Spiske: https://www.pexels.com/photo/music-rock-guitar-instrument-92069/

Each song sounds almost the same. They’re all in the same “key,” and the vocals follow the same flow and melody—the so-called melody being a sine wave. It just goes up and then back down until the song finishes. The guitar follows the vocal pattern, except that they forgot to tune the fuckin guitar, so it’s just jarring. There’s no bass, but maybe this is a good thing. It saves our ears from being sonically molested at all frequencies. As far as production goes, it’s about what you’d expect from a band with a low budget at the time—nothing exceptionally bad about it. The vocals are put at the forefront of the mix, which is common for ’60s rock music, but the vocals suck. There are no dynamics, they don’t use any vocal techniques; they just sound bored. Given the circumstances, it doesn’t surprise me. Why put in any effort when you’re just being forced to do it because a palm reader told your dad that his daughters would become a famous band? Funnily enough, they have achieved a certain level of fame, kind of like Neil Breen. In both cases, it was because the creative products they gave to the world were so bad, they became interesting to watch and listen to.

The highlights of the album are the songs “The Philosophy of the World” and “My Pal Foot Foot,” not because they’re any different musically from the other songs, but because the lyrics are complete nonsense. The song reminds me of Jaden Smith’s “philosophical” quotes, except The Shaggs are funnier. One of my favorites is “The skinny people want what the fat people’s got”, like what? More all-cause mortality? The lyrics are absolutely full of cope. “My Pal Foot Foot” is just vague as hell. We never find out who or what Foot Foot is. Is it a dog? A cat? A ghostly apparition? The only information we’re given is that Foot Foot likes to roam. If you think about it too much it becomes a bit creepy. Why is he roaming? Where does he go? We don’t even know what this Foot Foot thing is so we can’t even guess as to what its goals are. Can someone write a Foot Foot creepypasta?

Overall, it’s pretty bad but far from the worst thing I’ve heard. I’d rather sit through one of their songs than most modern pop that plays on the radio. It’s short at only 31 minutes, and most songs barely go past the two-minute mark.

A compilation album titled “Shaggs’ Own Thing” was released in 1982. It is exponentially better than their previous work, but it’s still shit. The band is actually playing in time and the instruments are in tune so it actually sounds like music. The singing has more range and dynamics but they still do the stupid thing where they play the same notes they’re singing.

Ironically, they’re called The Shaggs, but I wouldn’t shag any of them.

Check out The Shaggs on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/artist/5ixdD9E7P9r51AOcSInQbl?si=oX4hXt3cQXi64E94LvSpJQ

Welcome to the Bad Music Blog

The Blog Dedicated to Terrible Music

I love music. Without music life is dull. But I don’t like only good music, I have an appreciation for the shitty stuff as well. Grapes can turn into fine wine when done right, but they can also ferment into something truly disgusting if something goes awry.

I have a long list of bands, albums, songs, and topics already planned out but posts will be infrequent due to me being lazy and only bothering writing when I feel like it. It won’t always be about music that I necessarily believe is bad, sometimes it’ll be about music that most within either the band’s genre or the wider music scene commonly agree upon is bad, Metallica’s St-Anger being one of them.

Any suggestions for bands, albums, songs, and topics are welcome. They can be sent to suggestions@badmusicblog.com