Bad album: LuLu - Metallica
Lulu is debatably the most infamous Metallica album. The only competition it has is St. Anger, and that’s because many people don’t even consider this a Metallica album. This is nothing but pure cope, every single song is credited to Lou and every member in Metallica. What’s the point of denying it anyways? It’s not like this came after a bunch of hit records, there was Death Magnetic before which was okay, but they had their awful run of Load, Reload, and St. Anger just before.
The album is an astounding 1 hour and 27 minutes, their longest yet (out of their main studio albums, I’m not counting Garage Inc.). The production is very good on this album. You can hear all the instruments, but the bass guitar could use just a slight boost. Nothing is overpowered, except when Lou screeches. The acoustic parts are especially crisp. James puts passion into his lines (SMALL TOWN GUUUUURRRL). I was almost convinced that he is, indeed, the table. Unfortunately, we don’t get much of him on the album. He’s mostly delegated to backing vocals. Then there’s Lou, he is the main problem with the album. His singing is garbage, it’s barely even singing, it’s more like rambling. The singing isn’t the only part of the issue, I’m not entirely sure what contributions each side made, except for the obvious folk and metal parts, which would come more from Lou and Metallica, respectively. Metallica has made plenty of long songs, but not to this extreme. I’m convinced it was Lou trying to make them more “artistic” with long poses of either nothing or the same riff over and over. There are parts that are really well executed, and the mix of folk and metal is great. I will expand on everything mentioned in the song-by-song breakdown. I’m not a fan of the cover. It’s something a rich satanic pedophile would have framed in their wall. Makes me feel uneasy. As if what the artist did to the mannequin he did to a real human.
Anyways. Let’s go over each song.
Brandenburg Gate: “I would cut my legs and tits off, When I think of Boris Karloff and Kinski” What a great start to an album. I really would’ve loved to see a Metallica fan’s reaction upon hearing this for the first time. Must have been similar to when Kanye hit ‘em with that “poopity scoop”, pure gold. The guitar work isn’t anything special but there’s something pleasant about it. James screaming “SMALL TOWN GUUUUUUUURRRRRL” every 4 bars is hilarious. It also distracts from Lou’s rambling so that’s a nice bonus. It’s the shortest song on the album at 4:19. Metallica is no stranger to long songs but they really kick it up a notch on this album, especially in the later half. It’s an enjoyable song if you can get past the fact that it’s Metallica.
The View: This was released as the sole single from the album. The dread fans must have felt when THIS was their choice. Normally singles represent the best an album has to offer and give an idea of the tone and mood. Sadly, it is one of the better songs on the album, and it did contain the infamous “I AM THE TABLE” lyric which became a meme among fans. The riffs are okay. Lou’s vocals.
Pumping Blood: Very frustrating. It starts off very nicely with some violins. Reminiscent of a foggy Skyrim morning. Then we get some rambling from Lou for a few minutes. Electric guitars kick in with a standard Rocktallica riff. We get some trashy riffing at the end but it doesn’t last long. JACK I BESEECH YOU! JACK I BESEECH YOU! OOOOHHH JACK I BESEECH YOU! OOOHH
Mistress Dread: The synth playing throughout the song reminds me of the THX sound, except it never builds up to anything worthwhile. The guitar is playing quite fast. I can imagine this being a good endurance test for a guitarists’ picking hand. Too bad it’s wasted on this lame song. It’s the same riff for most of the song with Lou doing his usual thing. This song makes me feel nothing.
Iced Honey: It’s kind of good. It’s one of those riffs that can repeat throughout a whole song and not get boring. It’s got a nice swing to it. When they make a riff that can do well on a long song, they decide to cut it short. Too bad they didn’t do it with the other songs. Lou’s vocals.
Cheat on Me: This song really makes me wish they just did an instrumental folk-metal album. This and Junior Dad give a glimpse into what it could’ve been and I’m all for it. Haunting violins with distorted guitars is a combo I love. Bands like Panopticon, Exulansis, and Primeval Well are great examples of this. 11 minutes is too much for this song, but it’s not overbearing. There was some potential but it needed more to build up at the end. It got stuck at the same intensity for too long. Make it 9 minutes, get rid of Lou and his rambling prose, have more intensity at the end and you could have a really great song.
Frustration: Starts off with literal nails on a chalkboard. Then some weird mumbling that sounds fucking hilarious. The chugging riff is decent, but it gets interrupted by Lou and we have to deal with him and the chalkboard. We get a miracle at the end and it starts to sound like Metallica. Far from the best riff they’ve written but it’s a pleasant surprise after everything else we’ve had to deal with. This moment is all too fleeting.
Dragon: The main riff sounds like it comes from an unused song from the Black album. The “solo” in the middle of the song makes Kerry King look like Joe Satriani. It sounds like a bunch of Pikmin noises. The energy picks up near the end and the song shows some potential, it could’ve been a pretty good song if they stuck with that energy and booted Lou. This song has no reason to be 11 minutes. Lou’s vocals.
Little Dog: The worst song on the album. It’s boring, the same acoustic guitar chugging along with some sustained notes coming from the electric guitar. It stays at the same slogging pace. Eventually we’re greeted with something different. We get a bass “solo” a bit over half-way through, and it sucks. Cliff Burton’s corpse could come up with something better. It’s just a chore to listen to. The lyrics are weird and depressing. From what others have said it’s about an old man trying to cope with not being sexually attractive anymore. It’s a sad thought to think about because (almost) everyone deserves to feel loved and good about themselves. Let’s move on.
Junior Dad: Very promising start, until Lou starts singing of course. Luckily he tones down the yelling on this track so it’s tolerable. Instrumentally it’s really nice, it brings visions of Scotland on a foggy morning. Haunting and beautiful. The humming fits in surprisingly well. Definitely the best vocal performance by Lou on the album. I really enjoy this song, but it does overstay its welcome. It would’ve been perfect if it ended around 13 minutes, but the next 6 after that are still enjoyable. Easily the best song on the album. Lou’s vocals.
It can be very difficult to judge an album in a vacuum, especially if you’re already a fan of the band. Prior expectations have been set, and even if the album is good in its own right, the name it’s attached to plays a big part in reception. Some other great examples of this are Illud Divinum Insanus by Morbid Angel, Cold Lake by Celtic Frost, and Risk by Megadeth. They’re not necessarily bad albums, but the fact they came from the bands they did is what really gave them their reputation. Context is extremely important in understanding why some albums are hated. However, even if it wasn’t attached to Metallica, this album still sucks. It’s an auditory marathon, it is long and tedious with very little substance, but every once in a while, we’re given something kind of neat along the way.
Check out Lulu on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/album/3FgLMfp5o2h2rAny7S6h57?si=KXG0bXb1TfenUvKy5Dv3hw